1 00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:08,338 Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians 2 00:00:08,339 --> 00:00:09,578 Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 3 00:00:09,579 --> 00:00:12,298 Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 4 00:00:12,299 --> 00:00:15,138 Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 5 00:00:15,139 --> 00:00:17,618 Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times 6 00:00:17,619 --> 00:00:18,978 Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless 7 00:00:18,979 --> 00:00:20,498 Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless 8 00:00:20,499 --> 00:00:23,338 Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages 9 00:00:23,339 --> 00:00:26,098 Gory stories, we do that 10 00:00:26,099 --> 00:00:28,818 And your host, a talking rat 11 00:00:28,819 --> 00:00:32,818 The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... 12 00:00:32,819 --> 00:00:37,299 Horrible Histories. 13 00:00:41,059 --> 00:00:43,938 Us pirates stole anything thought valuable. 14 00:00:43,939 --> 00:00:48,978 Gold coins, jewellery, silk cloth, medicines, maps, sugar. 15 00:00:48,979 --> 00:00:50,778 That's right, sugar! 16 00:00:50,779 --> 00:00:53,898 But in 1713, one pirate stole something 17 00:00:53,899 --> 00:00:56,178 even more unusual that that. 18 00:00:56,179 --> 00:00:57,738 Ha, ha, ha! 19 00:00:57,739 --> 00:01:02,658 Swab the deck! This time I've excelled myself, Fisher. 20 00:01:02,659 --> 00:01:05,098 I mean, other pirates have got it all wrong. 21 00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:08,218 Why risk life and limb attacking ships on the high seas... 22 00:01:08,219 --> 00:01:11,498 ..When you can just steal a herd of cows from a field on dry land? 23 00:01:11,499 --> 00:01:13,458 COW MOOS 24 00:01:13,459 --> 00:01:17,618 Captain Basil Hood, pirate extraordinaire! 25 00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:19,378 Go and check on the cows, will you? 26 00:01:19,379 --> 00:01:22,698 - Aye-aye, Captain. - We'll sell these cows for huge profit. 27 00:01:22,699 --> 00:01:25,018 This is, quite simply, my best plan ever. 28 00:01:25,019 --> 00:01:28,338 The cows seem to be a bit seasick, sir. 29 00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:29,378 Seasick?! 30 00:01:29,379 --> 00:01:32,098 Yep, there's a lot of spewing going on down there. 31 00:01:32,099 --> 00:01:34,858 I've got vomit on the walls, vomit on the ceiling... 32 00:01:34,859 --> 00:01:36,938 - Got some vomit on me. - HE GAGS 33 00:01:36,939 --> 00:01:38,418 And the stench is... 34 00:01:38,419 --> 00:01:40,419 Oh, no! HE VOMITS 35 00:01:41,619 --> 00:01:44,658 - Well, go clean it up, man! - Aye-aye, Captain! 36 00:01:44,659 --> 00:01:48,658 OK, maybe this wasn't my best plan ever. 37 00:01:48,659 --> 00:01:51,738 It's no good sir, there's just too much of it. 38 00:01:51,739 --> 00:01:52,778 HE GAGS 39 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,458 It's like an erupting volcano of vomit down there. 40 00:01:55,459 --> 00:01:58,658 I can't take this much...longer. 41 00:01:58,659 --> 00:02:00,218 What are we going to do? 42 00:02:00,219 --> 00:02:03,498 Over there, sir! On the horizon - the Navy! 43 00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:05,819 If they see us, they'll arrest us! 44 00:02:07,179 --> 00:02:10,219 BOTH: Over here! We're over here! 45 00:02:12,539 --> 00:02:16,538 Pirate Basil Hood, I'm arresting you for being a pirate. 46 00:02:16,539 --> 00:02:18,538 Do you surrender to the English Navy? 47 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,738 I do, I do, thank you very much. 48 00:02:20,739 --> 00:02:24,138 Now, please can you take us on your nice, clean ship? 49 00:02:24,139 --> 00:02:26,618 - COW MOOS - What was that? - Nothing! 50 00:02:26,619 --> 00:02:31,418 Just ignore it. We'll board your ship now and surrender at once, come on. 51 00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:34,138 Stop! I definitely heard something. 52 00:02:34,139 --> 00:02:38,098 - That was Fisher's stomach, wasn't it, Fisher? - Oh, er... Moo, er... 53 00:02:38,099 --> 00:02:41,339 That smell! What's that terrible, awful smell? 54 00:02:42,539 --> 00:02:45,138 - It's... - MUFFLED MOOING 55 00:02:45,139 --> 00:02:47,938 My word! There's cattle down here! 56 00:02:47,939 --> 00:02:52,338 And they're puking and spewing and spewing and puking! 57 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,739 - HE GAGS - Oh! 58 00:02:55,579 --> 00:02:58,418 HE VOMITS 59 00:02:58,419 --> 00:03:01,818 This ship is disgusting! We're leaving. 60 00:03:01,819 --> 00:03:05,018 And you, Hood, you're free to go. Take your vomit ship with you. 61 00:03:05,019 --> 00:03:08,218 No! No, please don't leave. Please! 62 00:03:08,219 --> 00:03:09,738 Abandon ship! 63 00:03:09,739 --> 00:03:10,778 Oh! 64 00:03:10,779 --> 00:03:14,858 Next time, let's just stick to stealing treasure. 65 00:03:14,859 --> 00:03:18,498 THEY VOMIT 66 00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:23,218 Oh! All those puking cows are making me feel quite sick. 67 00:03:23,219 --> 00:03:24,978 HE GAGS 68 00:03:24,979 --> 00:03:26,978 But it doesn't matter how sick I feel. 69 00:03:26,979 --> 00:03:31,059 I'm still not going to go and see a pirate doctor. 70 00:03:43,259 --> 00:03:45,898 Ooh, you poor thing. That looks nasty. 71 00:03:45,899 --> 00:03:47,978 I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. 72 00:03:47,979 --> 00:03:49,458 I'll see if there's a doctor. 73 00:03:49,459 --> 00:03:52,138 ARR! Morning, nurse! 74 00:03:52,139 --> 00:03:53,378 Morning. And you are? 75 00:03:53,379 --> 00:03:56,578 One-eyed Ned, pirate extraordinaire. I've got my chest here, 76 00:03:56,579 --> 00:04:00,058 full of the finest pirate medicines. Arr. Sea water, 77 00:04:00,059 --> 00:04:01,938 Hemlock! 78 00:04:01,939 --> 00:04:05,538 - That's poisonous, isn't it? - Only if I don't read the instructions, 79 00:04:05,539 --> 00:04:07,938 which I probably won't, cos they're in Latin, 80 00:04:07,939 --> 00:04:10,458 and I can't read anyway. Arr. 81 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:13,378 Right, let's have a look at you, me young swabbie. Arr. 82 00:04:13,379 --> 00:04:14,858 Touch of scurvy, eh? 83 00:04:14,859 --> 00:04:18,578 Arr, well, there's not much a bit of blood-letting won't cure! 84 00:04:18,579 --> 00:04:20,658 Removes all the toxins, so it does. 85 00:04:20,659 --> 00:04:22,298 But I've just got a cut on my leg! 86 00:04:22,299 --> 00:04:24,778 Argh! Why didn't you say so? 87 00:04:24,779 --> 00:04:26,818 Oh, we'll have it off in no time. 88 00:04:26,819 --> 00:04:27,978 - Off?! - Yeah. 89 00:04:27,979 --> 00:04:30,378 You don't want a rotten leg aboard a ship, do ya? 90 00:04:30,379 --> 00:04:32,018 But it's only a little cut! 91 00:04:32,019 --> 00:04:36,338 Well, better safe than sorry. Trust me, I'm a carpenter. 92 00:04:36,339 --> 00:04:38,778 A carpenter? I thought you said you were a doctor. 93 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:43,618 We had a doctor, but he died! He mostly just sawed off limbs anyway. 94 00:04:43,619 --> 00:04:49,458 And I'm the ship's carpenter, so I know me ways about a saw. 95 00:04:49,459 --> 00:04:50,498 Say "arr". 96 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:51,658 Argh! 97 00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,618 Arr! Ah-ha-arr! 98 00:04:53,619 --> 00:04:56,218 - Argh! - You're a chatty one, ain't ya? 99 00:04:56,219 --> 00:04:59,298 Isn't there anything to ease the pain, any anaesthetic? 100 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:02,979 - I never heard of 'em. - Ooh, rum, maybe? - Don't mind if I do! 101 00:05:06,859 --> 00:05:10,458 Not so fast, laddie! Better see if he survives first. 102 00:05:10,459 --> 00:05:12,539 No good wasting good rum on the dead. 103 00:05:13,899 --> 00:05:16,738 Nurse, the leg. 104 00:05:16,739 --> 00:05:17,858 Almost finished. 105 00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:21,298 All we've got to do now is seal the wound. 106 00:05:21,299 --> 00:05:23,538 - With stitches and a clean dressing? - NO! 107 00:05:23,539 --> 00:05:25,938 With a load of hot tar. 108 00:05:25,939 --> 00:05:27,818 - Arr. - Argh! 109 00:05:27,819 --> 00:05:30,098 Oh! 110 00:05:30,099 --> 00:05:32,738 Oh! Good thinking, Nurse! 111 00:05:32,739 --> 00:05:34,299 Arr-ha-harr! 112 00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,338 Here's your new leg. 113 00:05:38,339 --> 00:05:40,259 Arr. 114 00:05:48,779 --> 00:05:51,538 Hello and welcome to World War II Art Show. 115 00:05:51,539 --> 00:05:54,738 Today, we're joined by General Peregrine Thorogood 116 00:05:54,739 --> 00:05:56,338 from the British Army. 117 00:05:56,339 --> 00:05:57,738 Carry on. 118 00:05:57,739 --> 00:06:00,898 Right. I was going to, so... 119 00:06:00,899 --> 00:06:04,018 This week, we're going to be making models of Allied tanks, 120 00:06:04,019 --> 00:06:07,818 the kind that Peregrine here actually used during the Second World War. 121 00:06:07,819 --> 00:06:10,898 In fact, here's one I made earlier. 122 00:06:10,899 --> 00:06:12,058 Gosh. 123 00:06:12,059 --> 00:06:14,778 Ours were just like this, except bigger. 124 00:06:14,779 --> 00:06:18,618 - And not made of cardboard, obviously! - No, no, ours were made of cardboard. 125 00:06:18,619 --> 00:06:19,658 Sorry? 126 00:06:19,659 --> 00:06:22,978 Yes, yes. Cardboard, rubber, bits of wood. All sorts of things. 127 00:06:22,979 --> 00:06:26,778 Why on earth would you make tanks out of cardboard and rubber and things? 128 00:06:26,779 --> 00:06:28,698 I thought you might ask me that. 129 00:06:28,699 --> 00:06:31,858 Allow me to introduce my top military advisor, 130 00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:35,779 the amazing Jasper Maskelyne! 131 00:06:36,779 --> 00:06:41,499 Jasper Maskelyne, master of illusion, at your service. 132 00:06:42,979 --> 00:06:45,778 Mister Maskelyne was the Army's official magician. 133 00:06:45,779 --> 00:06:47,858 Why on Earth did the Army need a magician? 134 00:06:47,859 --> 00:06:52,899 Who better to fool the Germans than a master of illusion? 135 00:06:54,739 --> 00:06:58,978 - Keep it. - Yes, you see, the Germans were spying on us from their planes. 136 00:06:58,979 --> 00:07:01,258 They could see where our guns and tanks were 137 00:07:01,259 --> 00:07:02,658 and work out our next move. 138 00:07:02,659 --> 00:07:07,738 But! What if the tanks and guns they saw weren't tanks and guns at all? 139 00:07:07,739 --> 00:07:11,538 What if it was just...an illusion? 140 00:07:11,539 --> 00:07:13,579 Fly, Cornelius, be free! 141 00:07:16,819 --> 00:07:20,618 Oh, I see. So, you built cardboard tanks to fool the German planes. 142 00:07:20,619 --> 00:07:23,698 Precisely! We even put tanks on top of jeeps and drove them around 143 00:07:23,699 --> 00:07:25,738 to make it look like the tanks were moving. 144 00:07:25,739 --> 00:07:27,818 - So it was all just... - ..An illusion. 145 00:07:27,819 --> 00:07:31,818 - Is this your card? - Well, I didn't actually... - Take the card. 146 00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:33,218 OK. 147 00:07:33,219 --> 00:07:36,018 Yes, these sort of tactics helped us win the war. 148 00:07:36,019 --> 00:07:38,138 On D-Day, when we wanted Hitler to think 149 00:07:38,139 --> 00:07:41,498 we were invading France from Dover, we built an entire fake army. 150 00:07:41,499 --> 00:07:43,898 We even had fake, wooden planes. 151 00:07:43,899 --> 00:07:45,618 - Like this one. - Oh, right. 152 00:07:45,619 --> 00:07:47,898 Doesn't look much like a plane from here. 153 00:07:47,899 --> 00:07:51,098 Not from the ground, maybe. But from the air... 154 00:07:51,099 --> 00:07:52,458 Oh, I see. Very clever. 155 00:07:52,459 --> 00:07:55,658 And the Americans brought an entire inflatable army. 156 00:07:55,659 --> 00:07:59,618 You could say I was the first general to blow up his own army! 157 00:07:59,619 --> 00:08:04,898 THEY LAUGH 158 00:08:04,899 --> 00:08:06,338 I don't really get the joke. 159 00:08:06,339 --> 00:08:08,058 Well, there we have it. 160 00:08:08,059 --> 00:08:11,418 It turns out that cardboard tanks and wooden planes 161 00:08:11,419 --> 00:08:13,938 could really be used to help win a war. 162 00:08:13,939 --> 00:08:16,058 That's all we have time for this week. 163 00:08:16,059 --> 00:08:19,298 So a big thanks to my guests, General Peregrine Thorogood 164 00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:21,898 - and... - And me, Jasper Maskelyne, 165 00:08:21,899 --> 00:08:23,739 master of illusion! 166 00:08:25,459 --> 00:08:27,218 Good heavens! Where has he gone?! 167 00:08:27,219 --> 00:08:30,658 - Well, he's clearly just down there, isn't he? - Why would you do that? 168 00:08:30,659 --> 00:08:32,698 - Why would you...? - It's not magic, 169 00:08:32,699 --> 00:08:36,659 - you've just gone below the desk. - You've just ruined it for everyone. 170 00:08:37,819 --> 00:08:41,458 That's true. Cardboard and glue helped us win the war. 171 00:08:41,459 --> 00:08:44,178 And paper and string was pretty useful too. 172 00:08:44,179 --> 00:08:48,338 Poor wartime families used to wrap their children up in brown paper 173 00:08:48,339 --> 00:08:50,018 to keep them snug and warm. 174 00:08:50,019 --> 00:08:53,299 Now, what could possibly go wrong with that? 175 00:08:54,459 --> 00:08:56,218 Hello, darling, I'm home. 176 00:08:56,219 --> 00:08:58,818 Hello, love. Did you remember to send that parcel? 177 00:08:58,819 --> 00:09:00,578 Yes, of course I did, darling. 178 00:09:00,579 --> 00:09:03,338 And have you seen Timmy? I've no idea where he's gone. 179 00:09:03,339 --> 00:09:05,979 He was here earlier, playing with his teddy. 180 00:09:06,979 --> 00:09:09,939 Ah. Yes, I think I know what's happened. 181 00:09:12,939 --> 00:09:15,618 Darling, I'm just popping back to the post office. 182 00:09:15,619 --> 00:09:17,858 Yes. 183 00:09:17,859 --> 00:09:19,939 At least I marked him "fragile". 184 00:09:33,339 --> 00:09:37,858 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true 185 00:09:37,859 --> 00:09:43,858 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you! 186 00:09:43,859 --> 00:09:45,098 Next! 187 00:09:45,099 --> 00:09:47,418 Phoo-wee! 188 00:09:47,419 --> 00:09:52,138 Urgh, who are you, Captain Stinky of the Stinky People? 189 00:09:52,139 --> 00:09:55,218 Heraclitus, Ancient Greek philosopher. 190 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:58,658 Oh, what, "I stink, therefore I am"? HE LAUGHS 191 00:09:58,659 --> 00:10:01,138 So, how did you die, Stinkitus? 192 00:10:01,139 --> 00:10:02,338 Heraclitus! 193 00:10:02,339 --> 00:10:03,538 Whatever. 194 00:10:03,539 --> 00:10:06,658 In my old age, I developed an illness called dropsy. 195 00:10:06,659 --> 00:10:09,418 Which is where your body swells up with excess water. 196 00:10:09,419 --> 00:10:14,018 - But I did invent an original cure. - I can tell this is going to be good. 197 00:10:14,019 --> 00:10:16,298 Everybody knows water evaporates when heated. 198 00:10:16,299 --> 00:10:18,578 So I figured if I just stayed somewhere hot, 199 00:10:18,579 --> 00:10:21,098 then the excess water would evaporate away. 200 00:10:21,099 --> 00:10:22,978 And what's a ready source of heat? 201 00:10:22,979 --> 00:10:24,618 Ooh! HE MIMICS BUZZER 202 00:10:24,619 --> 00:10:26,818 Fire! The sun! An oven? 203 00:10:26,819 --> 00:10:28,218 Cow dung. 204 00:10:28,219 --> 00:10:30,138 HE LAUGHS 205 00:10:30,139 --> 00:10:31,178 Even better! 206 00:10:31,179 --> 00:10:32,378 - Go on. - Yeah. 207 00:10:32,379 --> 00:10:35,258 So, I jumped into a big pile of cow dung 208 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:38,458 and I buried myself up to my neck in it. 209 00:10:38,459 --> 00:10:41,458 Ah! Hence the "phoo-wee". 210 00:10:41,459 --> 00:10:44,058 But, unfortunately, I forgot to bring any water, 211 00:10:44,059 --> 00:10:46,618 so I just got hotter and hotter and... 212 00:10:46,619 --> 00:10:49,738 - Yes? - And eventually died from heat exhaustion. 213 00:10:49,739 --> 00:10:52,459 HE LAUGHS 214 00:10:53,459 --> 00:10:56,418 You were baked alive in a giant cow pat! 215 00:10:56,419 --> 00:10:59,538 Your cure stinks and so do you, Stinkitus! 216 00:10:59,539 --> 00:11:00,898 Heraclitus! 217 00:11:00,899 --> 00:11:01,938 Whatever! 218 00:11:01,939 --> 00:11:04,978 - You're through to the afterlife, off you go. - Am I? 219 00:11:04,979 --> 00:11:06,898 Get out before I change my mind. 220 00:11:06,899 --> 00:11:08,738 Sorry. 221 00:11:08,739 --> 00:11:10,698 Phoo-wee! 222 00:11:10,699 --> 00:11:14,178 Sometimes I love this job. I do, I do! 223 00:11:14,179 --> 00:11:19,818 Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. 224 00:11:19,819 --> 00:11:24,019 The Ancient Greeks believed that the dead went to the underworld. 225 00:11:44,019 --> 00:11:47,938 Yes, the Greeks had some very strange beliefs. 226 00:11:47,939 --> 00:11:50,618 Evil spirits, what a nightmare! 227 00:11:50,619 --> 00:11:52,658 You know what I'm on about. 228 00:11:52,659 --> 00:11:56,458 I mean, keeping your ancestors' dead bodies in a jar is great. 229 00:11:56,459 --> 00:11:59,059 But what happens if their spirits escape? 230 00:12:00,059 --> 00:12:01,578 Oh, clumsy! 231 00:12:01,579 --> 00:12:05,418 Before you know it, an evil spirit has entered your house 232 00:12:05,419 --> 00:12:08,378 and started spreading illness and disease. 233 00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,139 That's why you need... 234 00:12:12,459 --> 00:12:17,059 Give the doorframe a nice, thick coat of yucky, sticky tar. 235 00:12:18,059 --> 00:12:21,858 Then just watch as those evil spirits get stuck to it, 236 00:12:21,859 --> 00:12:24,778 again and again and again. 237 00:12:24,779 --> 00:12:26,499 Tackle your demons with... 238 00:12:38,579 --> 00:12:41,978 We Ancient Greeks were quite superstitious. 239 00:12:41,979 --> 00:12:47,218 We believed in ghosts and horoscopes and that the gods decided our fate. 240 00:12:47,219 --> 00:12:50,738 We thought the gods spoke through oracles 241 00:12:50,739 --> 00:12:53,939 and so we could learn about the future. 242 00:12:55,539 --> 00:12:57,059 Hi. 243 00:13:01,059 --> 00:13:02,618 How may I help you, my son? 244 00:13:02,619 --> 00:13:06,898 Hello. Um, I'm mean to seek counsel from the Oracle of Delphi. 245 00:13:06,899 --> 00:13:09,018 Ah, you wish to know the future. 246 00:13:09,019 --> 00:13:12,539 Well, I'm Aeschylus the playwright. You might recognise me. 247 00:13:13,539 --> 00:13:15,778 Well, anyway, I've just written a new play 248 00:13:15,779 --> 00:13:18,738 and I just want to know if it's going to be a success or not. 249 00:13:18,739 --> 00:13:21,938 Ah, well. Don't you worry. 'Tis the oracle's greatest pleasure 250 00:13:21,939 --> 00:13:25,218 to relieve the good people of Greece of the burden of uncertainty. 251 00:13:25,219 --> 00:13:27,498 Excellent. Great. Is it just through here? 252 00:13:27,499 --> 00:13:29,858 There are certain administrative expenses 253 00:13:29,859 --> 00:13:32,578 associated with the management of a good oracle... 254 00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,218 Yes, of course. 255 00:13:34,219 --> 00:13:35,258 There we go. 256 00:13:35,259 --> 00:13:39,258 There's water and heating. Funds. 257 00:13:39,259 --> 00:13:40,778 OK, um... 258 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,698 And there's temple maintenance as well. 259 00:13:43,699 --> 00:13:46,619 - Have you noticed the roof? - OK. 260 00:13:47,859 --> 00:13:51,339 - The oracle awaits you. - Thank you. - Enter. 261 00:14:03,619 --> 00:14:05,098 Oh, great and wise oracle. 262 00:14:05,099 --> 00:14:09,699 Will you please ask the god Apollo what the Fates have in store for me? 263 00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:15,778 Daaa! Wa-da, 264 00:14:15,779 --> 00:14:19,978 Doo-ba-da, dah, doo-ra, da-da. Hah. 265 00:14:19,979 --> 00:14:24,058 The oracle speaks in the strange language of the gods. 266 00:14:24,059 --> 00:14:26,738 But we do provide a translation service. 267 00:14:26,739 --> 00:14:28,898 - Really? - At a very reasonable price. 268 00:14:28,899 --> 00:14:30,978 Yeah, OK. 269 00:14:30,979 --> 00:14:32,458 Yes. Thank you. 270 00:14:32,459 --> 00:14:35,339 She says you will spend a lot of money. 271 00:14:36,339 --> 00:14:37,738 That is what I'm doing now. 272 00:14:37,739 --> 00:14:40,898 I want to know what's going to happen in the future. 273 00:14:40,899 --> 00:14:44,099 Is my play going to be a success? Will you...? 274 00:14:45,099 --> 00:14:48,938 Wai, da-da-da, goo-da-doh. Ah! 275 00:14:48,939 --> 00:14:51,979 Do-dah-doh, ba-da, doh-doh. Dahhh. 276 00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:55,818 Do you require additional translation services? 277 00:14:55,819 --> 00:14:57,499 Unbe... Yeah. Right. 278 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,858 She says, "Beware the tortoise". 279 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:04,618 Really(?) Beware the tortoise. 280 00:15:04,619 --> 00:15:06,538 Well, I could lie, but... 281 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:09,178 That's good. That's really excellent, actually(!) 282 00:15:09,179 --> 00:15:12,018 - Don't shoot the messenger, mate. - Thanks for nothing. 283 00:15:12,019 --> 00:15:14,738 Ohh, dah-DA, bah, dah. Doh-ba-dah! 284 00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:16,779 Yeah, same to you. 285 00:15:19,059 --> 00:15:21,698 Da-ba-da! DA-BA-DA-DA! 286 00:15:21,699 --> 00:15:25,338 WA-DA! Honestly. He didn't even leave a tip! 287 00:15:25,339 --> 00:15:29,659 Ridiculous. What was I thinking? Beware the tortoise! It's absolute... 288 00:15:33,459 --> 00:15:36,659 Oh, she's good. She's... 289 00:15:37,659 --> 00:15:39,938 It's true. Aeschylus really WAS killed 290 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,378 when an eagle dropped a tortoise on his head. 291 00:15:42,379 --> 00:15:45,218 The bird thought his shiny bald patch was a rock 292 00:15:45,219 --> 00:15:48,378 and tried to use it smash open the tortoise's shell. 293 00:15:48,379 --> 00:15:52,578 And that's the story of the tortoise and the no-hair. 294 00:15:52,579 --> 00:15:54,698 "Boo, get 'im off!" 295 00:15:54,699 --> 00:15:56,939 Even I'm heckling myself. 296 00:16:01,619 --> 00:16:05,658 After the English Civil War, Oliver Cromwell ruled England. 297 00:16:05,659 --> 00:16:08,579 And he disapproved of just about anything fun. 298 00:16:10,499 --> 00:16:13,658 On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me... 299 00:16:13,659 --> 00:16:16,058 Cousin Ollie! Merry Christmas, old bean! 300 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:18,778 Oh, relatives. How did you get past the guards? 301 00:16:18,779 --> 00:16:21,978 We just thought we'd pop by to wish you a very merry Christmas. 302 00:16:21,979 --> 00:16:25,218 - Merry Christmas! - I'm a Puritan, I don't celebrate Christmas. 303 00:16:25,219 --> 00:16:26,698 In fact, I've had it banned. 304 00:16:26,699 --> 00:16:30,978 Well, you won't say no to a spot of Christmas dinner, will you? 305 00:16:30,979 --> 00:16:33,058 - We brought you a goose! - Guards! 306 00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:36,258 - What are you doing? - Christmas dinner is banned, it's sinful. 307 00:16:36,259 --> 00:16:40,578 I've ordered the army to confiscate all roast geese. Guards! 308 00:16:40,579 --> 00:16:43,378 Whoa, whoa! We'll lose the goose, we'll lose the goose. 309 00:16:43,379 --> 00:16:47,178 It's fine. Why don't we all go down to the pub or something? 310 00:16:47,179 --> 00:16:50,658 - Guards! - What now? - Pubs are banned, they are sinful. 311 00:16:50,659 --> 00:16:53,138 Fine, fine. Why don't we all go to the theatre? 312 00:16:53,139 --> 00:16:55,698 - Guards! - Let me guess - banned. - Yes! 313 00:16:55,699 --> 00:16:57,538 - It's sinful! - All right, 314 00:16:57,539 --> 00:17:00,738 all right, why don't we have a festive kick-about in the park? 315 00:17:00,739 --> 00:17:02,098 - Guards! - What? 316 00:17:02,099 --> 00:17:04,499 - You can't sport, it's... - ..Sinful! 317 00:17:05,539 --> 00:17:08,058 You have to understand, these frivolous events 318 00:17:08,059 --> 00:17:10,698 distract us Puritans from our devotion to Christ. 319 00:17:10,699 --> 00:17:13,579 Well, we have to do something. Lucy's all made up. 320 00:17:14,579 --> 00:17:15,739 With make-up? 321 00:17:16,739 --> 00:17:18,698 - Yes. - Guards! 322 00:17:18,699 --> 00:17:19,738 Oh, come on. 323 00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:23,018 Make-up is sinful! Especially that eye shadow with that top. 324 00:17:23,019 --> 00:17:25,058 - What? - Nothing. - Wait a minute. 325 00:17:25,059 --> 00:17:27,938 I've got it! Why don't we all go to church? I mean, 326 00:17:27,939 --> 00:17:29,978 church isn't sinful, is it? 327 00:17:29,979 --> 00:17:31,338 No, of course not. 328 00:17:31,339 --> 00:17:33,338 Well, let's all go to church! 329 00:17:33,339 --> 00:17:35,138 Guard! Seize them. 330 00:17:35,139 --> 00:17:38,338 It's against the law to go to church on Christmas Day. 331 00:17:38,339 --> 00:17:40,418 Take these sinners to prison. 332 00:17:40,419 --> 00:17:42,218 - But...! - What? 333 00:17:42,219 --> 00:17:43,258 Wait. 334 00:17:43,259 --> 00:17:44,899 Yes? 335 00:17:44,900 --> 00:17:46,938 Happy Christmas. 336 00:17:46,939 --> 00:17:47,978 Oh. 337 00:17:47,979 --> 00:17:50,219 Now lock 'em up and throw away the key! 338 00:17:51,659 --> 00:17:55,378 Oliver Cromwell really did ban pretty much anything that was fun. 339 00:17:55,379 --> 00:17:57,658 Even Christmas, yeah! 340 00:17:57,659 --> 00:18:01,138 Though secretly, he still liked music and smoking. 341 00:18:01,139 --> 00:18:05,098 So Christmas was sinful, but smoking was OK. 342 00:18:05,099 --> 00:18:07,138 What a weirdo! 343 00:18:07,139 --> 00:18:10,298 No wonder everybody wanted the King back on the throne. 344 00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:11,418 My name is 345 00:18:11,419 --> 00:18:13,338 My name is 346 00:18:13,339 --> 00:18:15,258 My name is Charles II 347 00:18:15,259 --> 00:18:17,738 I love the people And the people love me 348 00:18:17,739 --> 00:18:20,498 So much that they restored The English monarchy 349 00:18:20,499 --> 00:18:22,978 I'm part Scottish, French, Italian A little bit Dane 350 00:18:22,979 --> 00:18:25,818 But 100% party animal Champagne? 351 00:18:25,819 --> 00:18:28,378 Spaniels I adore Named after me too 352 00:18:28,379 --> 00:18:30,898 Like me, they were fun With a natty hairdo 353 00:18:30,899 --> 00:18:33,338 Is today my birthday? I can't recall 354 00:18:33,339 --> 00:18:36,258 Let's have a party anyway Because I love a masked ball 355 00:18:36,259 --> 00:18:40,058 All hail the King of Bling 356 00:18:40,059 --> 00:18:43,818 Let's sing, bells ring, ding, ding 357 00:18:43,819 --> 00:18:46,618 I'm the king who brought back partying 358 00:18:46,619 --> 00:18:49,258 King Charles, my daddy, lost his throne and kings were banned 359 00:18:49,259 --> 00:18:51,978 They chopped off his head Then Ollie Cromwell ruled the land 360 00:18:51,979 --> 00:18:54,458 Old Ollie wasn't jolly He was glum and he was proud 361 00:18:54,459 --> 00:18:57,098 He was miserable as sin Only sinning's not allowed 362 00:18:57,099 --> 00:18:58,578 When Ollie died, the people said, 363 00:18:58,579 --> 00:18:59,738 "Charlie, me hearty 364 00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:02,418 "Get rid of his dull laws Come back, we'd rather party" 365 00:19:02,419 --> 00:19:04,898 This action's what they call the monarchy restoration 366 00:19:04,899 --> 00:19:07,538 Which naturally was followed by a huge celebration 367 00:19:07,539 --> 00:19:12,658 The King of England say No sin to sing 368 00:19:12,659 --> 00:19:15,418 Or anything All say 369 00:19:15,419 --> 00:19:18,138 I'm the king who brought back partying 370 00:19:18,139 --> 00:19:19,578 The Great London Fire was a whopper 371 00:19:19,579 --> 00:19:21,618 In my reign London City came a cropper 372 00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:23,818 So this King did what was right and proper 373 00:19:23,819 --> 00:19:26,218 For the Fire proved I'm more than a bopper 374 00:19:26,219 --> 00:19:28,578 I'm a fire stopper 375 00:19:28,579 --> 00:19:30,898 Married Catherine Braganza She was a love so true 376 00:19:30,899 --> 00:19:33,538 There would never be another Well, maybe one or two 377 00:19:33,539 --> 00:19:36,418 Lucy Walter, Nell Gwynn, Moll Davis, Barbara Villiers 378 00:19:36,419 --> 00:19:38,978 You think that's bad, but her name's not as silly as... 379 00:19:38,979 --> 00:19:41,098 ..Hortense Mancini 380 00:19:41,099 --> 00:19:43,818 As king, I must admit I broke the wedding rules 381 00:19:43,819 --> 00:19:46,578 But who cares when I brought back the Crown Jewels? 382 00:19:46,579 --> 00:19:49,458 I reinstated Christmas, make-up, sport and even plays 383 00:19:49,459 --> 00:19:51,818 I was the Merrie Monarch They were good old days 384 00:19:51,819 --> 00:19:57,138 When said and done King Charles did run 385 00:19:57,139 --> 00:19:59,538 England for fun 386 00:19:59,539 --> 00:20:02,778 I was the king loved by everyone My song is done. 387 00:20:02,779 --> 00:20:04,539 Party, anyone? 388 00:20:20,139 --> 00:20:22,338 In fact, she married two of her brothers, 389 00:20:22,339 --> 00:20:25,618 dated one Roman general and married another. 390 00:20:25,619 --> 00:20:28,778 All of whom came to sticky ends. 391 00:20:28,779 --> 00:20:32,378 So, basically Cleo was a real love rat. 392 00:20:32,379 --> 00:20:34,578 And not in a good way. 393 00:20:34,579 --> 00:20:37,338 Getting close to Cleo was a dangerous business. 394 00:20:37,339 --> 00:20:39,618 If Ancient Egyptians had had the internet, 395 00:20:39,619 --> 00:20:43,139 you wouldn't have wanted to be her online friend. Just imagine! 396 00:20:51,379 --> 00:20:55,978 Mark Antony has accepted me as a friend on Mummy-bo. 397 00:20:55,979 --> 00:20:59,538 Excellent! "Thanks for the add... 398 00:20:59,539 --> 00:21:01,178 "smiley hieroglyphic." 399 00:21:01,179 --> 00:21:03,539 - PHONE RINGS - It's him! 400 00:21:05,219 --> 00:21:07,618 Hail Queen Cleopatra! 401 00:21:07,619 --> 00:21:09,058 Hail yourself! 402 00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:11,498 I was just looking at your Mummy-bo profile 403 00:21:11,499 --> 00:21:14,818 and I couldn't help but notice you haven't got many friends. 404 00:21:14,819 --> 00:21:17,419 Well, I did have my sister, Pharaoh Cleopatra VI, 405 00:21:17,579 --> 00:21:19,858 but she died in suspicious circumstances. 406 00:21:19,859 --> 00:21:25,178 And my other sister, Pharaoh Berenice IV, but she was executed. 407 00:21:25,179 --> 00:21:29,978 Then there were my half-brothers, Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII, drowned, 408 00:21:29,979 --> 00:21:32,898 and Pharaoh Ptolemy XIV, poisoned. 409 00:21:32,899 --> 00:21:35,018 Sounds like being on the throne in Egypt 410 00:21:35,019 --> 00:21:36,738 is a fairly dangerous job, Cleo. 411 00:21:36,739 --> 00:21:38,378 Do you never get scared? 412 00:21:38,379 --> 00:21:41,018 - SHE CHUCKLES - No, no, no, I'll be fine. 413 00:21:41,019 --> 00:21:44,458 I just need a powerful Roman to stand alongside me. 414 00:21:44,459 --> 00:21:47,178 What, like Caesar? Didn't you date him? 415 00:21:47,179 --> 00:21:49,338 - Yeah. - Now he's dead. 416 00:21:49,339 --> 00:21:51,258 Yeah. About that... 417 00:21:51,259 --> 00:21:55,178 There's now a vacancy, so do you want to go out with me? 418 00:21:55,179 --> 00:21:56,858 No-oo. 419 00:21:56,859 --> 00:22:00,458 Oh, please, please, please! I'll put you on my Top Ten Friends list. 420 00:22:00,459 --> 00:22:05,218 OK. In for a denarius, in for a sestertius! Ha, ha! 421 00:22:05,219 --> 00:22:09,258 More like a Top Two Friends list. Who's this other one? 422 00:22:09,259 --> 00:22:11,178 Oh, yeah, that's my sister, Arsinoe. 423 00:22:11,179 --> 00:22:14,418 At last, a member of your family who isn't dead. 424 00:22:14,419 --> 00:22:16,618 Mm. About that... 425 00:22:16,619 --> 00:22:17,938 Cleo... 426 00:22:17,939 --> 00:22:20,938 Yeah, the thing is, she's the last threat to my throne, 427 00:22:20,939 --> 00:22:22,618 so I need to have Arsinoe killed. 428 00:22:22,619 --> 00:22:25,938 You don't mind if I put your name on the assassination warrant, 429 00:22:25,939 --> 00:22:27,298 do you? Um... 430 00:22:27,299 --> 00:22:30,419 - Please, please, please, please! - Oh, OK. 431 00:22:32,099 --> 00:22:36,058 There we go. Nasty business, but had to be done. 432 00:22:36,059 --> 00:22:39,058 Now you and me can rule the Egyptian Empire in peace. 433 00:22:39,059 --> 00:22:40,139 Right, great. 434 00:22:41,139 --> 00:22:44,058 COMPUTER BEEPS Oh. What was that noise? 435 00:22:44,059 --> 00:22:45,738 Did something go wrong? 436 00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:46,778 Oh... Yeah. 437 00:22:46,779 --> 00:22:49,418 It says there's a problem with the transaction. 438 00:22:49,419 --> 00:22:52,339 I probably just need to update my PapyrusPal account. 439 00:22:53,339 --> 00:22:55,218 - Oh. - What? 440 00:22:55,219 --> 00:22:58,298 - What is it? - Yeah, turns out Arsinoe was on the steps 441 00:22:58,299 --> 00:23:00,978 of a sacred temple when you murdered her. 442 00:23:00,979 --> 00:23:05,378 - When - I - murdered her? 443 00:23:05,379 --> 00:23:08,978 - What are we going to do? - Well, if we want to die with dignity, 444 00:23:08,979 --> 00:23:12,658 we'll have to kill ourselves before the Roman Army get to us. 445 00:23:12,659 --> 00:23:16,058 What? Oh, this is most inconvenient. 446 00:23:16,059 --> 00:23:18,698 - Oh, well, I suppose... - No, no, no, wait! 447 00:23:18,699 --> 00:23:22,818 I suppose we could pretend to kill ourselves and then just hide. 448 00:23:22,819 --> 00:23:24,978 Urgh! Now you tell me, Cleo. 449 00:23:24,979 --> 00:23:29,218 You are literally the worst girlfriend I have ever had. 450 00:23:29,219 --> 00:23:31,779 And I've had some shockers. Urgh. 451 00:23:33,579 --> 00:23:38,578 Right. Looks like I'll have to do the same, then. Um... 452 00:23:38,579 --> 00:23:41,018 I'll get a poisonous snake to bite me. 453 00:23:41,019 --> 00:23:43,618 I mean, that's probably quite a regal way to go. 454 00:23:43,619 --> 00:23:46,978 An asp! Perfect. 455 00:23:46,979 --> 00:23:48,498 How much? 456 00:23:48,499 --> 00:23:51,458 20 bronze coins for packaging?! 457 00:23:51,459 --> 00:23:55,099 I suppose it is quite a long tube. 458 00:24:04,619 --> 00:24:07,378 Welcome back to HHTV Sport, 459 00:24:07,379 --> 00:24:10,898 bringing you exclusive live sporting events from the past. 460 00:24:10,899 --> 00:24:13,698 Let's go over to our commentary team live in 1805 461 00:24:13,699 --> 00:24:15,378 where the sport of boxing 462 00:24:15,379 --> 00:24:18,619 is about to undergo an incredible transformation. 463 00:24:21,259 --> 00:24:24,618 Thanks very much. Looks like tonight is going to be a real cracker. 464 00:24:24,619 --> 00:24:25,898 Let's meet the fighters. 465 00:24:25,899 --> 00:24:29,218 First up, we've got London's finest, 466 00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:33,138 the huge, the undefeated Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes. 467 00:24:33,139 --> 00:24:35,298 Let's take a look at Tough Tom in action. 468 00:24:35,299 --> 00:24:39,178 He's a real expert at classic Georgian bare-knuckle boxing, 469 00:24:39,179 --> 00:24:42,578 where two rivals stand stock still and slug it out. 470 00:24:42,579 --> 00:24:44,378 Yeah! 471 00:24:44,379 --> 00:24:46,098 Next up it's the newcomer, 472 00:24:46,099 --> 00:24:48,618 all the way from New York in the USA, 473 00:24:48,619 --> 00:24:51,818 it's the comparatively smaller Bill Richmond! 474 00:24:51,819 --> 00:24:53,818 Bill was born a slave in New York, USA, 475 00:24:53,819 --> 00:24:56,538 and learned his trade, boxing for entertainment, 476 00:24:56,539 --> 00:24:59,978 - at the Duke of Northumberland's dinner parties. - I have to say, 477 00:24:59,979 --> 00:25:02,538 he looks a lot smaller than Tough Tom. 478 00:25:02,539 --> 00:25:05,698 - I think this is going to be carnage. - Certainly looks that way. 479 00:25:05,699 --> 00:25:07,459 Seconds out, round 1! 480 00:25:08,499 --> 00:25:11,899 - Oh, and Tough Tom is really fired up for this one. - Oh, I can't watch. 481 00:25:13,179 --> 00:25:16,098 Hold on, what was that? ! It looks like Bill Richmond 482 00:25:16,099 --> 00:25:18,898 has got out of the way of one of Tough Tom's punches! 483 00:25:18,899 --> 00:25:20,899 - Is that allowed?! - I guess! 484 00:25:22,499 --> 00:25:24,738 Oh! He's got out of the way of another one! 485 00:25:24,739 --> 00:25:27,938 That is extraordinary. Nobody has ever got out of the way 486 00:25:27,939 --> 00:25:31,858 in the whole history of boxing. When you come to think about it, 487 00:25:31,859 --> 00:25:34,818 not letting your opponent hit you in the face is not a bad idea. 488 00:25:34,819 --> 00:25:36,898 He's invented a whole new technique! 489 00:25:36,899 --> 00:25:38,698 Nobody got out of the way before. 490 00:25:38,699 --> 00:25:42,658 Probably because their heads were mashed up by all the boxing. 491 00:25:42,659 --> 00:25:43,938 DONG! 492 00:25:43,939 --> 00:25:45,698 - Oh! - Oh! - He's floored him! 493 00:25:45,699 --> 00:25:46,858 He has floored him. 494 00:25:46,859 --> 00:25:50,458 Oh, and it looks like Jack "Tough Tom" Holmes is out for the count. 495 00:25:50,459 --> 00:25:52,018 You're out! 496 00:25:52,019 --> 00:25:54,938 Bill "Get Out Of The Way" Richmond is the winner. 497 00:25:54,939 --> 00:25:56,538 Back to the studio. 498 00:25:56,539 --> 00:25:59,218 Of course, the boxing move Bill Richmond invented 499 00:25:59,219 --> 00:26:01,658 isn't really called "getting out of the way". 500 00:26:01,659 --> 00:26:03,698 It's now known as the "bob and weave" 501 00:26:03,699 --> 00:26:05,498 and it's what all boxers do. 502 00:26:05,499 --> 00:26:07,858 And some hairdressers, come to think of it. 503 00:26:07,859 --> 00:26:10,298 My mum's got a bob. My dad's got a weave. 504 00:26:10,299 --> 00:26:12,858 Georgian times could be pretty violent, 505 00:26:12,859 --> 00:26:14,858 and not just in the boxing ring. 506 00:26:14,859 --> 00:26:17,218 Thanks to several pupil rebellions, 507 00:26:17,219 --> 00:26:21,258 even going to school could be a hair-raising experience. 508 00:26:21,259 --> 00:26:24,818 If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask. 509 00:26:24,819 --> 00:26:28,458 Thank you, Headmaster. How hard will it be for Samuel to get in? 510 00:26:28,459 --> 00:26:30,538 The examination is straightforward. 511 00:26:30,539 --> 00:26:33,818 We examine your bank account - if you've got enough money, you're in. 512 00:26:33,819 --> 00:26:38,058 - What is your attitude to discipline? - Discipline is very important. 513 00:26:38,059 --> 00:26:39,778 We really, really wish we had some! 514 00:26:39,779 --> 00:26:41,858 Do not throw stones in the quadrangle! 515 00:26:41,859 --> 00:26:43,018 GUNSHOTS 516 00:26:43,019 --> 00:26:45,498 Do not fire pistols at the Headmaster! 517 00:26:45,499 --> 00:26:48,218 - Just walk this way. - GUNSHOT 518 00:26:48,219 --> 00:26:50,658 - On second thoughts, run! - What's going on? 519 00:26:50,659 --> 00:26:53,298 Just a little...high spirits! 520 00:26:53,299 --> 00:26:55,338 Must be double chemistry! 521 00:26:55,339 --> 00:26:56,858 GUNSHOT 522 00:26:56,859 --> 00:27:00,098 - Who's firing pistols? Who's throwing stones? - I'm not sure. 523 00:27:00,099 --> 00:27:01,778 I think it's Class 5B. 524 00:27:01,779 --> 00:27:05,058 - Schoolboys?! - Yes. Just a little pupil rebellion. 525 00:27:05,059 --> 00:27:07,778 - Rebellion?! - Nothing out of the ordinary. 526 00:27:07,779 --> 00:27:10,418 All the best schools have them. Oi! You there! 527 00:27:10,419 --> 00:27:13,418 - Yes, I'm looking at you! You're late! - Sorry, sir. 528 00:27:13,419 --> 00:27:15,738 You're a bit old to be a pupil. Are you a teacher? 529 00:27:15,739 --> 00:27:17,618 No, Colonel Warwick, British Army. 530 00:27:17,619 --> 00:27:20,618 Headmaster calls us in when a rebellion gets out of hand. 531 00:27:20,619 --> 00:27:23,778 They've broken several rules. You may need bayonets. 532 00:27:23,779 --> 00:27:25,258 Yes, sir. 533 00:27:25,259 --> 00:27:26,938 BAYONETS! 534 00:27:26,939 --> 00:27:28,178 Good luck, Colonel! 535 00:27:28,179 --> 00:27:29,859 EXPLOSION 536 00:27:31,379 --> 00:27:33,618 Why, that's quite enough of that! 537 00:27:33,619 --> 00:27:36,059 All of you, see me in my office! 538 00:27:38,259 --> 00:27:39,658 Ah. 539 00:27:39,659 --> 00:27:43,338 So! Hands up if you'd like to see the library. 540 00:27:43,339 --> 00:27:44,978 Yes, please. 541 00:27:44,979 --> 00:27:48,618 Both hands. If we surrender, they might let us across. 542 00:27:48,619 --> 00:27:50,578 GUNSHOT 543 00:27:50,579 --> 00:27:54,139 On second thoughts, why don't I introduce you to Matron? 544 00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:58,578 Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the fearsome facts 545 00:27:58,579 --> 00:28:00,058 The ugly truth... 546 00:28:00,059 --> 00:28:02,258 Want to travel through the time sewers with me? 547 00:28:02,259 --> 00:28:04,738 Then play Horrible Histories: Terrible Treasures. 548 00:28:04,739 --> 00:28:08,298 Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. 549 00:28:08,299 --> 00:28:09,498 ..a mystery 550 00:28:09,499 --> 00:28:15,219 Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories. 551 00:28:15,269 --> 00:28:19,819 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0